Embracing Imperfection | Your In-Depth Guide to Letting Go of Perfectionism

Takeaway: Perfectionism is the pursuit of flawlessness and unattainable. Perfectionism can take a toll on your mental health and is worth addressing! As a psychologist with a specialty in perfectionism, I share the top thing I have learned about it. I also talk through some ways you can manage your perfectionism as you try and let go of it!

You are starting to see how bad perfectionism is for your mental health.

The more you try to be perfect, the more you feel like an imposter. Leaving you feeling scared that people will find you out.

Maybe you are starting to see how it hurts your relationships and work.

Maybe you are tired of feeling inadequate.

You are ready to stop feeling exhausted. You spend lots of extra time to make sure everything is perfect. You are ready to let people see the true you, not the mask you project to them.

I am a Clinical Psychologist that specializes in therapy for perfectionism. I am here to tell you that perfectionism is a myth. We want to believe we can fix ourselves in hopes that will get rid of more painful feelings. But the key to feeling free from this endless pursuit is to see that perfectionism is a trap.

If you aren’t sure if you are a perfectionist - you can take this quiz to find out.

Dismantling the Myth of Perfection

Many people see perfectionism as holding oneself and others to very high standards. They see it as striving for flawlessness.

This constant drive for flawlessness leads to chronic stress. It goes along with an excessive concern for meeting very high standards. It is often joined by negative self talk. This often results in low self-esteem and shallow connections with others.

But perfectionism is more than just having high expectations and high standards. A deeper way of understanding it is realizing the need for perfection is a way to make up for shame and other painful feelings. It comes from painful emotions and a fragile sense of self.

Perfectionism traps you and leaves you in a vicious cycle. It convinces you that perfection will solve your problems. You will be safe and in control. But, the idea of perfection is just that—an idea. It is an impossible fantasy.

I can tell you this. Endlessly pursuing these unrealistic standards won't fix the issues you want to fix. It will only further harm your mental health.

What are some signs of perfectionism? → Becoming Aware of Perfectionistic Tendencies

Perfectionism isn’t only about setting high expectations and high standards. It shows up in a variety of behaviors and thoughts. Some signs of perfectionism include:

Procrastination and avoidance
Feeling paralyzed by anxiety
Excessive checking and reassurance seeking
Difficulty making decisions
Giving up too soon
Not knowing when to stop
Over-correcting
Failure to delegate tasks
Low Self Esteem
Being an overachiever
Eating disorders + Low Body Image
Self-Blame

Another important dynamic to consider is how you may respond to perfectionism. It can show up in two different ways. The first is the workaholic. They can't stop working and obsess over making every detail perfect. The second category includes people who feel overwhelmed by high expectations. They avoid tasks and then rush to do them at the last minute.

If you struggle with this second one - check out this blog post where I gives you tips on what to do when you are feeling paralyzed by anxiety.

The first step is being aware of how perfectionism is taking over your life. Recognizing these signs helps. It reminds you they're learned and healable. You can let go of perfectionism.

The Impact of Striving for Unattainable Standards

The hunt for perfection raises stress and burnout. It harms your mental health. Perfectionism has too much self-criticism. It can lead to a deep sense of failure, even after success. This constant striving for impossible standards often results in anxiety and depression.

Another downside is that it is hard to have healthy self-esteem. This is because your coping mechanism relies on obsessing over your imperfection. Perfectionists often think that demanding perfection from themselves will help them grow. They think it will relieve their worry and low self-esteem. Yet, this is like someone trying to get out of hole by digging themselves deeper into the hole. It makes you feel worse and worse about yourself.

Why is it so hard to let go of perfectionism?

The Psychology Behind Perfectionism

As I have said above, perfectionism is a defense mechanism. Individuals use it to get rid of bad feelings like anger, shame, guilt, grief, and sadness. It is way more than just high expectations.

I try to teach my patients this. They engage in perfectionistic thinking and behaviors to protect themselves from a past experience they don't want to happen again.

Perfectionism is a sign of something deeper.

It is often a deep emotional wound. You are attempting to avoid it by trying to control and change something about you or your environment. You do this by focusing on achieving these unrealistic expectations in hopes that you will feel better inside.

For example, you felt like your parents were very busy with work. They didn't have enough time for you, emotionally or mentally. This caused a feeling of sadness and shame. You couldn't understand what was going on. So, your child mind concluded that something must be wrong with you. You must be unlovable as you are.

Seeing it as something wrong with you helped you feel in control. Seeing you as the problem was better than feeling helpless about your absent parent.

You saw yourself as the problem and then quickly tried to find a way to fix yourself. You became the best kid in school. You excelled at a sport. You became obsessed with being "good." You got into the best college, and so on. The hard part is that you probably did get praise and attention for these accomplishments. But the trap is that you begin to believe that you were only acceptable, lovable, and deserving attention because of your achievements. Thus keeping you trapped.

This is just one example of how perfectionism became a coping mechanism. Something out of your control happened and your tried to take control by fixing yourself or things around you.

You did get a good feeling from this but then it quickly went away. Then you had to perfect something else to feel good again. Over and over and over again. All of this to avoid the feeling you have when you are not perfecting. Figuring out what you are avoiding is the work of healing.

How to Let Go of Perfectionism

You’ve made it this far. So I am guessing you are interested in becoming a recovering perfectionist.

Why do I say recovering perfectionist? Well because perfectionism can take a long time to recover from. It is something that becomes ingrained in our mind and body so it takes effort to heal from it.

Feeling overwhelmed by this? Start by taking a deep breath. Now let’s get into some helpful insights about the road to better self esteem.

Letting Go of Perfectionism with Therapy

Therapy for perfectionism aims to help people feel adequate without being perfect. It helps them understand themselves beyond their achievements. And it helps them stay calm when they make mistakes. Through therapy, individuals can learn to navigate their perfectionism. They can develop a healthier relationship with themselves and their achievements.

I help my patients heal from perfectionism by finding its cause. I help them find earlier experiences linked to their perfectionistic behaviors. I do this by asking them to find the emotion under the fears that drive their perfectionism.

What feeling are they afraid of feeling?

What feeling surfaces when they do make a mistake?

They begin to have a sense of what they are feeling deep down. Then I ask them to think about when they felt this as a child. This can help them identify which childhood experience needs attention. Healing earlier wounds will help you let go of the perfectionism you feel now.

Therapy is a great space for this kind of exploration. I believe perfectionism comes from relationships. So, healing these wounds is most effective within a relationship (e.g., with your therapist).

When we have experienced something for a long time, it can be hard to even spot perfectionism. But, if you lack access to therapy, you can answer these questions by journaling. Or, discuss them with a trusted friend.

Navigating the Path to Self-Compassion

Woman with eyes closed and her hand on her chest. She appears calm.

As we strive to beat perfectionism, one idea stands out. It is a beacon in the journey: self-compassion. At its core, self-compassion is about treating oneself with kindness, grace and understanding.

It’s about self-respect and recognizing that you are human, like everyone else around you. These are key to overcoming the shame under perfectionism.

To progress, it’s key to embrace who we are. That means accepting our faults in this moment with kindness and compassion.

In the pursuit of perfection, it’s easy to get overwhelmed with ways we are not measuring up. This desire to protect ourselves from threats to our self esteem actually make it harder to have good self esteem.

Making room to practice self compassion can be a way to shift our focus. We are shifting from using perfectionism as our only coping mechanism. We are beginning to allow another voice to take its place - a compassionate inner voice.

Practice Self Compassion → Cultivating a Compassionate Inner Voice

A key aspect of self-compassion is cultivating a compassionate inner voice. This is about replacing harsh self-judgment with gentle understanding. It involves training a ‘kind’ voice within us to counter critical self-talk.

How do you practice self-compassion?

I find it helpful to visualize different parts of yourself and them interacting.

For example, your inner critic is one part/voice. And there is a part/voice in you that wants to love yourself -- wants to embrace yourself and feel good. The inner critic has likely underdeveloped and silenced this voice. Consciously fostering the kind inner voice can help you care for your inner child. It can help heal that perfectionism.

Something I have prompted my patients to think about talking to their inner child. Would you point out all their weaknesses or verbally beat them up if they make a mistake? I would hope not. So we should not be talking to ourselves in that way.

Visualize yourself as a child.

Then, think about how you would treat your child self. This can give insight on your inner voice's tone.

If you had parents who mainly used shame to teach you, you may struggle with the idea of being gentle with our inner child. All you may know is negative self talk. You may have never talked to yourself another way. So, you may have little idea how to treat your inner child without shame and anger. Finding a way to practice self compassion is even more crucial to your healing but may require more support.

If this is the case, therapy is a great option for trying to retrain the way you talk to yourself and your inner child.

Acceptance: The Antidote to Perfectionism

Acceptance is a game changer when it comes to figuring out how to let go of perfectionism.

Somewhere along the way, you learned that you were not good enough. You began to feel that you are inadequate and unlovable as you are. You were treated in a way that left you feeling like you must fix yourself to feel love and acceptance.

Well, I am here to tell you that we must grieve what we did not experience. We must accept that our parents (or other important people) didn't give us what we needed to emotionally grow. We were unable to internalize the feeling that we are lovable and enough even if we fail.

There is nothing you can do now that will change your past. Even if you were perfect, it wouldn't remove the pain you felt. It also won't stop the pain you still feel in your relationships. Finding this acceptance lets you move on from the pain. The pain keeps you stuck in the past. It lets you start to give yourself the love you need now.

Self-acceptance will allow you freedom and the space you need to grow a strong and positive sense of self.

How do I break the habit of being a perfectionist? Practical Steps to Overcome Perfectionism

I am a huge advocate for therapy but I recognize that not everyone has access to this type of support. So here are some practical steps you can try to help manage your perfectionism.

The journey to beat perfectionism is hard. But, it’s key to remember that the goal is not perfection. Instead, the aim is to embrace imperfection. Making mistakes is part of learning.

Setting Boundaries with Negative Self Talk

Many talk about setting boundaries with things like work or relationships. But something that is just as important is setting boundaries with ourselves. The critical and angry internal voice you have needs to have some boundaries put on it. The goal is to set boundaries with someone in your life who is critical. Doing the same with your inner critic can help you let go of perfectionism.

For example, if you notice your inner critic is loud one day, close your eyes and take a few deep breaths. Then, say "I know you are trying to protect me, but you are harming me. I will not tolerate this kind of treatment and so need you to be more kind in the way you speak to me."

Another thing that can help is visualizing your inner critic as a person or an object. Then, move this person or object aside. Replace it with one that treats you with respect and kindness. The part of you that is wanting to treat yourself with respect and kindness. The part that will take care of you rather than beat you down.

Prioritizing Important things over perfection

Woman sitting at desk smiling at her computer.

I get that you have a life and may need to perform well in that life. You can't all a sudden give up on your job. Instead, you can sit down and figure out what is important. Then, dedicate your time and energy towards it.

You can't do it all. So what actually matters? What do you actually need to accomplish?

This way of engaging with your tasks can change help shift from perfectionism to a more value driven life. It shifts from "everything must be perfect" to choosing what you value and brings you meaning.

For example, as you begin recovering from perfectionism you realize are in a career that you are doing because you feel like it is the job you need to be “successful” or have a certain status of achievement. Something that your perfectionism thrived off of. Well figuring out what actually matters to you might help you shift to a career that you can put your energy into but aligns more with what makes you happy. You can still be successful but it is a more personal and meaningful success.

Letting go of the Need for Approval

Like the last point - figuring out what your values are and what leaves you feeling good is important. You feel the need to be a perfect child or a perfect friend - doing it all for everyone. Apart of this is you want approval and validation from them. Your relationships matter. So, I don't want you to think you have to completely stop caring about them.

You can figure out what ways you give in a relationship that feels good to you and focus on those. You hate helping a friend physically move their boxes and furniture. You could say no to this but offer to help them unpack or pack boxes.

This way you feel like you are investing in your friend. But, you don't have to force yourself to be the perfect friend that does it all. That would leave you feeling resentful and tired. This recenters you. It also fosters connection in your relationship. This will feel WAYYY better to you than surface level approval or validation.

Embracing Mistakes as Growth Opportunities

That is easier said than done. You have heard time and time again about a growth mindset and for good reason. Embracing mistakes and failures is part of the process. It gives you the flexibility to learn and grow. If you struggle with perfectionism then this is hard for you.

Something that can help you embrace the growth mindset is getting clear on what you are feeling and challenging perfectinistic thinking.

When feeling inadequate, write about the triggered feelings. I suggest this feelings wheel if you struggle to name your feelings. Then think about where these feelings may have originated from the past. Then think of a couple other ways to see the present experience. Ways that aren't aligned with what your perfectionism says. This is a helpful article you can read to get an idea of how to challenge your perfectionistic thoughts.

Setting realistic Goals and Expectations

To combat perfectionism, set realistic goals. Break life and career objectives into smaller, manageable steps. This can make them easier to reach and bring the joy of achievement.

Perfectionists can set healthier standards. They can do this by making the rules they set for themselves more flexible, not rigid. This change can also reduce the need for perfection. Here are some strategies to consider:

Focus on the bigger picture rather than obsessing over minor details
Listen to your emotions and understand when goals are unrealistic and need change
Recognize this: long-term stress or task unhappiness may signal goals that are too high.

Implementing Mindfulness and Yoga

Implementing breaks and self-care is crucial in managing perfectionism. Practice grounding exercises like walking outside, yoga, mindfulness meditations. Things that keep you in the present moment.

If you are new to meditation and mindfulness, sometimes sitting still and going through mindfulness exercise can be difficult to do. It can be hard to settle an anxious mind when just sitting so trying something like yoga could be a great option for you.

Yoga videos that implement mindfulness and mental health can help you become grounded because you are focusing on your body and the movements. This helps combat the overthinking mind that can be an obstacle in more traditional meditation.

These types of exercises can help you when it comes to challenging that inner critic that is convincing you that you are a failure. Connecting to your body and the present moment can help you start to detach from this way of thinking. It helps you start to be curious about what is actually happening.

Opposite Action

This is a helpful skill from DBT - Opposite Action. The basis of this skill says that our emotions prompt us to act in a certain way. So if we are wanting to reduce this feeling we should actually act in the opposite way.

For instance, if you feel ashamed of not knowing how to do something, the feeling may tempt you to isolate. You may then spend hours trying to figure it out alone. The opposite action would be to reach out for help. This can then help your mind

You need to be mindful of this skill and not use it to enable your perfectionism. But, it can help to challenge habits we have to feelings like shame and fear.

Creating a Balanced Life Beyond Perfection

As we embark on the path to let go of perfectionism, it becomes crucial to focus on creating a balanced life. You, like other perfectionists I know, likely have a complicated relationship with perfectionism. A part of you likes it and see it as the thing that got you were you are. You don't want to get rid of it completely.

You may think you have to feel like you have to get rid of all the qualities that go along with perfectionism. It's fine to want to succeed. It's fine to want to excel and feel good when you do.

Committing to something and dedicating your time and energy to it can give us a sense of meaning.

The thing is this doesn't need perfection!

Figuring out how to let go of perfectionism can include values around growing and achieving goals. Sitting down and figuring out what your values are and what actually leaves you feeling good can then help you figure out what behaviors actually help you get there and leave behind the ones that ultimately damage you (thats you I am talking about negative self talk!).

Embracing Imperfection | Your In-Depth Guide to Letting Go of Perfectionism