How to Stop Being a Perfectionist: 7 Best Tips to Try Today
How to Stop Being a Perfectionist: 7 Best Tips to Try Today
Takeaway: While patterns of perfectionism may serve an important purpose in your life, they can reach a point where they become more harmful than helpful. If you’re ready to learn how to stop being a perfectionist, I’m here to help. Here, I identify some of the root causes of perfectionism and offer you my top tips to help you start shifting your behavior.
Understanding perfectionism
If you want to learn how to get rid of perfectionism, it's likely that you already have a strong idea of what exactly perfectionism is.
At the same time, it can be helpful to understand where it comes from and what it looks like before diving into solutions.
Like most things, perfectionism doesn't have a singular cause. Some experts view perfectionism as a personality trait while others see it as the result of certain behavior and thought patterns. Others might view it as a result of trauma.
Let's take a look at some other possible contributing factors.
Genetic predisposition. We're all born with tendencies toward certain temperaments, personality traits, and coping skills. Perfectionism may just be what you've naturally turned to without making any kind of conscious decision to do so.
Early life experiences. Regardless of whether you've experienced what you might think of as a traumatic event, our early life experiences can shape how we move through the world. Early on, you might have learned that overachieving kept you in good favor with the authority figures in your life.
Mental health disorders. According to the International OCD Foundation, several mental health issues are correlated with perfectionism, including obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), generalized anxiety, social anxiety, eating disorders, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and more. While correlation doesn't necessarily equal causation, there is an important link.
Social forces. We don't live in a vacuum. The culture and society we live in can have a significant effect on how we think, feel, and act. The often unrealistic expectations that the world at large places on individuals can contribute to low self-esteem, negative self-talk, and, yes, perfectionism.
Keep in mind that this isn't an exhaustive list. Exploring possible contributing factors to your perfectionist tendencies can help you build understanding and compassion for yourself, which can support your healing.
Recognizing the signs of perfectionism
You may easily identify yourself as a perfectionist, or you might still be unsure where it's something you actually struggle with. Take a look at the following signs of perfectionism to see which ones resonate with you.
Let's start with some of the positive ways that perfectionism can show up.
High standards
Attention to detail
Goal-oriented
Highly organized
Striving for constant improvement
Strong work ethic
At the same time, perfectionism can have unintended negative consequences. Here are some of the unhelpful manifestations of perfectionism.
Unrealistic standards
Highly critical
Fear of failure
Procrastination out of fear of failure
Need for control
Physical and mental health consequences
There can come a certain point where the negative consequences of perfectionism outweigh the benefits. If you feel you're at this point, it's time to consider ditching perfectionist behavior for good.
Why learn how to stop being a perfectionist
First, it's important to recognize that perfectionism isn't inherently "bad." In fact, it's probably gotten you pretty far in life. Your drive for perfection has probably helped you achieve success, get praise from people in your life, and allowed you to feel good about yourself (even if only temporarily).
At the same time, it can do more harm than good. You wouldn't be interested in learning how to overcome perfectionism if that wasn't true, right?
As a mental health professional who specializes in helping people unlearn their perfectionistic tendencies, I've seen firsthand how painful these patterns can be. Perfectionism has made my clients feel like they're constantly falling short, struggle to build fulfilling relationships, and put their own well-being on the backburner for far too long.
Thankfully, I've also seen what's possible when people learn how to overcome perfectionism. With some intentional work, here's what's possible for you.
Feel more in tune with your own needs, emotions, and values
Learn where your perfectionistic thoughts stem from
Embrace all parts of yourself, even (and especially!) the messy ones
Build meaningful relationships that actually make you feel good
Work through self-doubt and finally feel like you're good enough
These are just a few reasons to start overcoming perfectionism. I'm sure you'll discover many more as you start your own healing journey!
7 top tips to help you start overcoming perfectionism
As you read through these tips, keep in mind that they are all designed to help you embrace your human-ness, not eradicate your perfectionistic tendencies. Oftentimes, people who struggle with perfectionism embark on a personal growth journey to become totally healed (AKA "perfect). Keep this in mind as you start to incorporate these strategies.
1. Adjust your expectations
As we discussed earlier, perfectionists tend to set unrealistic standards for both themselves and others. While there's nothing wrong with setting goals, always keeping your expectations just out of reach can make you constantly feel like you don't measure up.
Instead, work on consciously lowering your standards so you can enjoy the feeling of accomplishment.
2. Build self-compassion
People who struggle with perfectionism tend to have a strong, loud inner critic. Learning how to practice self-compassion can be a game-changer. This is a learning process that involves allowing yourself to make mistakes, have emotions, and other totally human things.
Not sure where to begin? Try a guided meditation or use a workbook.
3. Get grounded in the present
Perfectionism keeps us constantly driving toward the future, hoping that we'll one day do everything right and finally achieve perfection. Unfortunately, that day will never come. Instead, try getting grounded in the present moment. Allow yourself to be present with whatever is going on, even if it's not "perfect."
I recommend trying the 5-4-3-2-1 technique or getting into nature—check out this study on the benefits of "Earthing."
4. Start noticing all-or-nothing thinking patterns
Perfectionism is an inherently binary concept: something is either perfect or it's not. While these all-or-nothing thinking patterns are often deeply ingrained, I challenge you to just start noticing when they come up.
Once you can become more aware of how often you're thinking this way, you can slowly start to shift toward a growth mindset rather than a perfectionistic mindset.
5. Challenge yourself to get messy
Something that can be incredibly powerful in learning how to stop being a perfectionist is messing up on purpose.
Now, this doesn't have to mean purposely doing poorly at work or something with potentially serious consequences. It can be something as simple as challenging yourself to not make your bed in the morning if you usually feel uncomfortable with leaving it unmade. Notice what feelings come up and see if you can just be with them.
6. Do something just for fun
As recovering perfectionists, we often tend to take things seriously. Since we're always striving to reach the next goal or achieve the next milestone, we have a hard time making time for fun.
Try letting yourself do something purely for the pleasure of it. Go on a walk just because you enjoy it, not because you "have to" exercise. Sign up for an art class because you love art, not because you need to be the next Picasso. Let yourself enjoy life!
7. Consider therapy for perfectionism
Often, perfectionist tendencies are deeply rooted. It can be difficult to notice just how much they impact our lives, especially since you've likely lived this way for most of your life.
Plus, our perfectionistic patterns can often leave us feeling isolated and disconnected from ourselves and others. I'm a firm believe that you shouldn't have to overcome perfectionism alone.
I provide therapy for perfectionism in Virginia, Washington DC and Washington State. I help my clients dive deep to discover the root cause of their behaviors and make real, lasting change.
Therapy can be a supportive environment for you to confront the shame that lurks beneath the surface of your perfectionist exterior. I can help you feel comfortable being seen for exactly who you are: a human being with both strengths and flaws.
Ready to get started? I'm here to help. Get in touch today for your free consultation and take the first steps to overcome perfectionism for good!
